Nursery Rhyme Heart Ache.

Most parents look forward to their children's school programs. They are excited to see their children singing and showing off with their friends, and proud of them and maybe a little emotional seeing them growing up. Not me. I have been dreading this day and days like it since Lani was in the NICU. I remember vividly looking to the future to moments like this when I first learned Lani was deaf. I remember thinking what is going to happen when she goes to school? Will she be included? Will other kids know how to communicate and play with her? What is going to happen in school programs? Is she going to be stuck in the back being silent and staring blankly while everyone else sings their songs? Today I got to see exactly what happens. Today was Lani's first school program. It was a program that her preschool class put on for parents for the end of the year. It was exactly like I imagined it would be four years ago when I first thought about it. Lani was stuck in the back looking completely confused because nobody took the time to sign and explain to her what was going on. All the other kids were singing proudly for their parents and Lani stood there. She looked confused and nervous. She had no idea what was going on. My heart sank a little. I sat there trying to hold back tears as I watched her look helpless and confused while all the other parents were laughing and watching their kids sing their songs and dance. They ended the day showing a slideshow of pictures from throughout the year. I thought to myself, ok, at least the singing is over, I got through the hard part of watching her feel excluded. I was wrong. I watched as they showed pictures of the kids laughing and playing together, making crafts, and playing games. I waited to see more pictures of Lani. The only pictures I saw were ones of Lani playing by herself, like always. Exluded again. Even the pictures with her and other children you could tell she is still playing by herself. It's days like today that make me hate disabilities. It makes me hate that Lani has to work so hard to do the smallest things that everyone else takes for granted. Today my heart aches. I long to see the day where Lani has a playdate with a friend. I long for the day where Lani tries to play with other kids and they don't just walk away from her because she can't talk and run around as fast as them. I long for the day where I get excited seeing her in a school program or play and I don't leave feeling broken hearted for my daughter who is once again exluded, whether it was intentional or not. Will that day ever come? I sure hope so. But today my heart aches.